Myths and Realities in Childhood Grief

Topic

Myths

Realities

Do children and adolescents grieve?

Young children do not grieve.

All children grieve

Children do not grieve as much as adults.

Children and adults express grief differently but as intensely.

Children are lucky because they are too young to understand.

Children are vulnerable in their grieving.

Children should be protected from pain and suffering to maintain their innocence

Children cannot be protected from death in play, the media, or life experiences.

Children can resolve grief quickly

Children’s grief has not time limits

Children and adolescents understand, experience, and express grief identically

Children and adolescents are developmentally distinct

Should children and adolescents be exposed to a loved one who is dying?

Children will be bewildered by being with a loved one who is dying.

Children need to understand and make sense of their experiences in order to help them learn that dying and death are a part of life.

Children will be traumatized by their last encounters with a dying person.

Children will value having had the opportunity to spend time with a loved one during that person’s last days and weeks.

Happy times that children share with their loved one will be overshadowed by the experience of watching that person die.

Children can learn values through participation in the death of a loved one.

Children should be protected from seeing a loved one die.

Children may later resent their exclusion; their involvement will assist with grieving.

Should children take part in funerals or other post-death rituals?

Children should not be permitted to take part in such rituals.

Children can benefit in meaningful ways by helping to plan and by attending funerals, including allowing them opportunities for questions and learning fro the emotional reactions of adults.

If children are allowed to participate, their participation should be limited and they should be protected from seeing strong emotional reactions.

Children can benefit from the support of others to help overcome feelings of isolation

Adults know better whether or not to allow a child to participate in such rituals after the death.

Difficulties arise either from forcing children to participate against their will or from excluding those wishing to be included.

Are dying children aware of their situation, and how can they be helped?

Dying children,10 years of age are not aware that they are dying.

Dying children know they are dying; adult denial is ineffective in the face of children’s emotional perceptiveness.

Dying children do not experience anxiety because they are unaware that they are dying.

Dying children experience fear, loneliness, and anxiety.

Dying children have no concerns for themselves or others.

Dying children worry, may try to put their affairs in order, may strive to protect their parents, and fear being forgotten.

Dying children’s questions should not be answered.

Dying children need honest answers and unconditional love and support.